Dammit, We Can't Have Nice Things

Conversations With Mom – Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Edition

abba92 — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:53:19 +0000

Mom: I started to write a letter to Bertha today but I gave up on it.
Jim: Why?
Mom: I just didn’t want to keep going. Besides, the words were going all over the paymper.
Jim: It’s a typewriter! How could they go all over the paper?
Mom: I think I messed up the margarines. I need you fix ‘em.
Jim: Parkay.
Mom: What?
Jim: I said “OK”.

Miss Gulch Returns

abba92 — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 01:42:50 +0000

Fred Barton, wonderful showman and songwriter, has a CD of a one-man-show he recorded in the 80′s entitled “Miss Gulch Returns – The Wicked Musical”. It’s the story of Elmira Gulch (aka the Wicked Witch of the West) who has been reduced to doing a cabaret act in gay bars.

It’s hilarious and the tunes are catchy. Mr. Barton’s wit and wry sense of humor are a treat. Here’s the lyrics of a song (and it’s reprise) called “Pour Me a Man” from that act.

“Booze,” mama told me,
“booze can keep you happy ’til you’re six feet under grass,”
And thought I’ve toasted Mom in heaven,
since I was six or seven
My happiness has yet to come to pass

When I find I’m hot to trot,
Ma’s advice goes down real nice, but it just don’t hit the spot!
No, there’s one drink they can’t sell me
(Bitch forgot to tell me!)
A man doesn’t come in a glass

What good is whiskey? I’ve been through the best in the bar.
Whiskey ain’t got whiskers wrapped around a cigar!
Pour me a face black with bristle:
watch me wet my whistle!
Just pour me a man.

What good is scotch, whether it’s with or without the old twist.
Scotch ain’t got a watch around it’s hairy left wrist.
Pour me a bulging bicep’ed bastard:
watch me get plastered!
Just pour me a man!

Liquor, they say,
is quicker they say.
But what I want’s even quicker!
(And it’s thicker!)

What good is beer? I’ve had enough to fill Niagara Falls.
But beers ain’t two ears or eyes or arms or legs under a pair of over-alls!
Pour me a mug with a head on top:
I’ll chug him drop by drop,
And make him last as long as I can.
Pour me a thug pot-marked and pit-faced:
I’ll still end up shit-faced!

Pour me a straight up
(better make it a stiff one!).
Pour me a double, nothin’ but trouble man

(reprise)

What good’s Midori oriental liqueur at its best?
Midori can’t adore me while it’s flexing its chest!
I got me a fabulous former felon
when I want me a mouth full of melon.
I poured me a man!

What good is vodka? I’ve been drinking eight bottles a week!
Can vodka beat a bod complete with god-like physique?
I came close to a concussion
choking down my first “White Russian.”
I poured me a man!

Liquor’s a blast when you wanna get gassed!
But I’m past just getting drunk:
Poured me a hunk!

What good’s the bubbly,
which I used to drink like a dunce?
But bubble ain’t worth the trouble:
It only pops its cork once!
I’ve got an eye who gives me the jitters
every time he gives me the bitters!

I’ve got sizzling six foot spritzer!

I poured me a non-stop
(good to the last drop).
I poured me a low-down,
knows-how-to-go-down man!

Conversations with Mom – Dire Straights Edition

abba92 — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 19:03:21 +0000

Mom: Good thing I made it back to the room on time yesterday after dinner.
Jim: Oh?
Mom: Just made it. I think I have dire rear.
Jim: I’ve thought that for a long time.

Relearn the Vernacular

abba92 — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 03:24:41 +0000

On the very crowded ride home on the bus tonight I was thinking about the word “Hornswoggled”. Because that’s how I roll, baby.

We don’t use this nearly enough any more. We’ve become laxidasical in our idioms and tarnation if I don’t want my past participle to be just a LITTLE more colorful. One might, for example, think “Well, I’ll be hornswoggled” and I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that people will respect you as someone who is HEP to the jive. Cool, Daddy-O. Real cool.

What word would YOU like to see make a comeback?

I’m Baaaa-aack

abba92 — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 06:07:48 +0000

Maybe I should keep this going. I like writing. I really do. Sometimes, however, I feel like I should be entertaining the readers instead of writing for myself. So until I can get the creative juices flowing (not in a gross “I need a hand towel” kind of way) I think I’ll just write stuff on here as I go along and see if any of it’s fit to print. I still get some gems from Mom.

Facebook of the Gods

abba92 — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:25:21 +0000

Never leave your PC unlocked in public

What Not to Say at a Baby Shower

abba92 — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:00:28 +0000

Baby Shower

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Atom Originals | Great Moments in Human Interaction

Please Watch This

abba92 — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:19:52 +0000

A plea for reason.

OH JOY!

abba92 — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:54:21 +0000

GLEE!

I love my new president. He’s sparkly.

I’m a happy guy. That is all.

Conversations with Mom – Shake Your Groove Thang Edition

abba92 — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 18:47:31 +0000

History: Mom watches the Game Show Network ’round the clock during weekdays. They have a contest where, if they call you and you answer the pop culture trivia question, you win a prize.

Jim (picks up phone at work): This is Jim

Mom: Can you talk a minute?

Jim: Sure. What’s up?

Mom: In the 70′s, there was a song, “The Hustle” and something about a booty. Who was that?

Jim: Who was what?

Mom: The Hustle and something about a booty.

Jim: “The Hustle” was Van McCoy but I don’t know what you’re talking about with “the booty”

Mom: That’s what a black man calls an ass.

Jim: I KNOW what it IS, I just don’t know any 70′s song related to “The Hustle” that has anything to do with a booty.

Mom: They said it starts with a “D”.

Jim: ……..

Mom: Never mind.