Fred Barton, wonderful showman and songwriter, has a CD of a one-man-show he recorded in the 80′s entitled “Miss Gulch Returns – The Wicked Musical”. It’s the story of Elmira Gulch (aka the Wicked Witch of the West) who has been reduced to doing a cabaret act in gay bars.
It’s hilarious and the tunes are catchy. Mr. Barton’s wit and wry sense of humor are a treat. Here’s the lyrics of a song (and it’s reprise) called “Pour Me a Man” from that act.
“Booze,” mama told me,
“booze can keep you happy ’til you’re six feet under grass,”
And thought I’ve toasted Mom in heaven,
since I was six or seven
My happiness has yet to come to pass
When I find I’m hot to trot,
Ma’s advice goes down real nice, but it just don’t hit the spot!
No, there’s one drink they can’t sell me
(Bitch forgot to tell me!)
A man doesn’t come in a glass
What good is whiskey? I’ve been through the best in the bar.
Whiskey ain’t got whiskers wrapped around a cigar!
Pour me a face black with bristle:
watch me wet my whistle!
Just pour me a man.
What good is scotch, whether it’s with or without the old twist.
Scotch ain’t got a watch around it’s hairy left wrist.
Pour me a bulging bicep’ed bastard:
watch me get plastered!
Just pour me a man!
Liquor, they say,
is quicker they say.
But what I want’s even quicker!
(And it’s thicker!)
What good is beer? I’ve had enough to fill Niagara Falls.
But beers ain’t two ears or eyes or arms or legs under a pair of over-alls!
Pour me a mug with a head on top:
I’ll chug him drop by drop,
And make him last as long as I can.
Pour me a thug pot-marked and pit-faced:
I’ll still end up shit-faced!
Pour me a straight up
(better make it a stiff one!).
Pour me a double, nothin’ but trouble man
(reprise)
What good’s Midori oriental liqueur at its best?
Midori can’t adore me while it’s flexing its chest!
I got me a fabulous former felon
when I want me a mouth full of melon.
I poured me a man!
What good is vodka? I’ve been drinking eight bottles a week!
Can vodka beat a bod complete with god-like physique?
I came close to a concussion
choking down my first “White Russian.”
I poured me a man!
Liquor’s a blast when you wanna get gassed!
But I’m past just getting drunk:
Poured me a hunk!
What good’s the bubbly,
which I used to drink like a dunce?
But bubble ain’t worth the trouble:
It only pops its cork once!
I’ve got an eye who gives me the jitters
every time he gives me the bitters!
I’ve got sizzling six foot spritzer!
I poured me a non-stop
(good to the last drop).
I poured me a low-down,
knows-how-to-go-down man!
